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Bugbee's Popular Plays 



jJte Deacon s 



H 



oneymoon 



BY 
WILLIS N. BUQBEE 



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The Willis N. BugbeeCo. 

SYRACUSE, N. Y. 



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ARE FAVORITES EVERYWHERE 



The Deacon's Honeymoon. Comedy in 3 acts by 
Willis N. Bugbee. Full of fun and a bit of mystery. 
Not sentimental. 6m., 5f. Time 1^ hrs. 35 cents. 

Daddy and the Co-Eds. College comedy in 2 acts 
by Willis N. Bugbee. "Daddy" visits college and has 
a good time. 6m., 6f. Time 1% hrs. 35 cents. 

Happyville School Picnic. A one-act play for inter- 
mediate and ungraded schools. One of our very best. 
7 boys, 9 girls. Time 40 min. or longer. 35 cents. 

Some Class. Commencement Play in 4 acts by 
Edith F. A. U. Painton, 6m., 9f. Claimed to be the 
best commencement play on the market. Full of good 
healthy humor. Time 1 hour 40 min. 35 cents. 

Aunt Sophronia at College, College comedy in 3 
acts by Willis N. Bugbee. One of the best short 
plays we have ever offered. Full of fun from start 
to finish. 5m., 7i. Time 1% hrs. 35 cents. 

Billy's Aunt Jane. Comedy in 3 acts by Willis N. 
Bugbee. For school or community. Good darkey 
character. 8m., 7f. Time 1^^ to 2 hours. 35 cents. 

Patriotism at Boggsville. Play for grammar grades. 
8m., 5f. Good for indoors or out. A very up-to-date 
play. Time, 30 minutes. 25 cents. 

Graduation at Gayville. A play for grammar grades. 
6m., 6f. Includes a mock commencement, class poem, 
etc. Time, 30 minutes. 25 cents. 

Coonville 'Ristocrat Club. A darkey play for church 
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Darktown Social Betterment S'ciety. A good whole- 
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THE WILLIS N. BUGBEE CO., Syracuse, N. Y. 



Bugbee's Popular Plays 

jJic Deacon s 

Honeymoon 

A Comedy in Three Acts 

BY 

WILLIS N. BUGBEE 

Author of ''Aunt SopJironia at College," ''Billy's Aunt Jane," 

"Daddy and the Co-Eds," "Coonville 'Ristocrat 

Club," "Happyville Shcool Picnic," etc, etc. 



Copyright 1920, by Willis N. Bugbee 



THE WILLIS N. BUGBEE CO. 

SYRACUSE, N. Y. 



1 he Ueacon s iloneymoox^ 



CHARACTERS 

Deacon Bbiggs With kind heart for every one 

Tom Briggs An efficient "superintendent" 

Bob Gray Tom's chum 

Silas Pettingill The hired man 

Jim' Hooker Alias Stephen Briggs 

Sam Johnson A colored chore hoy 

Mrs. Martha Briggs The Deacon's helpmate 

Minnie Briggs Her daughter 

Miss Perkins A neighborly spinster 

Miss Tackley The school mistress 

Esther Horn Minnie's school friend 

Scene: "Pleasantview Farm." 

Time: Early summer. 

Time of Playing: One and three-fourths hours. 



COSTUMES 



Deacon and Mrs. B. wear work clothes in Act I, and rather 
out-of-date dress-up clothes in Acts II-III. Sam wears overalls, 
colored shirt, large straw hat, and no coat or vest. Miss Pb:r- 
KiNs dresses rather oddly and wears corkscrew curls. "Jim 
Hooker" is made up as a westerner with rough clothes and 
sombrero hat, and has the manners of a man fresh from the 
mines. Others are dressed in ordinary clothing until last act. 
In Act III the girls wear short blue denim skirts and waists 
and large straw hats or sun bonnets; the boys wear overalls, 
colored shirts and large straw hats. 

The well curb consists of a wooden box about two and a half 
feet square and three and a half feet high. A five-foot sapling 
with crotched end is set upright on stage a little distance from 
curb. A longer sapling is laid in the crotched end of the upright 
one so that one end is directly over curb. A rope is fastened to 
it which holds the bucket. A stone weight is tied to opposite 
end. The two saplings should be wired together to prevent 

slipping. 0CT-9i920 Cr--. ...,.,^ 



Tke Deacon s Honeymoon 



ACT I. 



Scene: The sitting room at "Pleasantview Farm." Plain 
old-fashioned furniture. 

>■■ - {Enter Sam singing.) 

Sam. Hi golly!, .dis suah am. de beste^', Ela,c6r,I eh(tseri struck. 
It am bettah dan ol' Cap'n Smiffers whar I'se been libin' fo' 
de las' fibe yeahs an' jes whar I'd be dis berry minute if de 
ol' Cap'n hadn't up 'n kicked de bucket. I tells yo' de Deacon 
am a mighty nice man, he is. If 't hadn't been, fo 'him I 
wouldn't a had no home, but he jes' says to me, "Come rigM 
along ober to 'my house, Sam, an' I'll gib yo' a good home an' 
nuff to eat an' all yo's gotter do is jes' make yo'self sorter 
handy wif de chores." So heah I is, an' de only ting I'se got 
agin it is Mistah Tom. He jes' pesters de life outer me— fust 
one ting an' den anudder — but I gets eben wif him= sometimes; 
He! he! he! (Voice outside calls, ''Sam, hi Sam!"} Lawdj* 
sakes! Dar am de pest now. (Hides behind tahle^) 
(Enter Tom.) J 

ToM (looking about foom but do^s not see Sam). 1 1 thought 
I saw that rascal, Sam, come in here, (calls) Hi, Sam! (Exit.) 

Sam (emerging and looking cautiously about), H^l he! be! 
ho! ho! ho! — ■- . '• . 

(Re-enter Tom.) '^ . .' ., 

Tom. So here you are, after all. I was sure you came into 
this room. . . . . ; 

Sam. Y-yes, sah. I — I done been undah de table lookin' fo' 
my hat. . . ■ : . . ...k 

• Tom. That's a likely story. You were hiding from me. ' 

SaM. D-did yo' wanter see me, Mistah Tom? >' ■ ' • - - 

Tqfji. .I'd like to have an interview with the chap that put 
that live frog in my coAt pocket a litlfe while ago. 

Sam. a frog in yo' pocket? How yo' s'pdse it done got in 
dar? Huh? 

Tom. I suppose an ebony colored gentlemen put- it there. 
I demand an explanation. 

Sam. Well, fo' yo' gets dat explatteration lemme ax yo' one 
question. Does yo' recomember las' Sunday when I was sleepin' 
undahj de apple tree how yo' done put da;t sulphur- ointment 
on my face? 

Tom. Fiddlesticks ! That was only ah experiment to see if 
it would bleach your countenance. 

Sam. a spearment, huh? Well, so was dat frog a speartdent, 
too. I jes' wanted to see which would jump de highes' — yo' or 
de frog. He! he! he! (Runs off.) 

Tom (running after him). You imp of blackness! If I catch 
you I'll — I'll — (Knocks over chairs as he runs off stage, L.) 



4 THE DEACON'S HONEYMOON 

(Enter Mrs. Bbiggs, b.) 

Mrs. B. Mercy sakes! What was all the racket about? Just 
look at these chairs. (Picks them, up.) Them two boys are 
always up to some mischief. I don't see what ever possessed 
pa to bring that darkey here to live. But that's pa's way. 
He's always doin' sech things out of the kindness of his heart. 
If 't wan't for that we might have been a good deal better off 
today — mebbe as rich as old Squire Henderson himself. When 
I speak to pa about his extravagance he only laughs an' says, 
"What's the use of livin' if ye can't do somebody a good turn 
now an' then." So I don't say anything more. Mebbe, after 
all, he's right. 

(Enter Sam out of 'breath.) 

Sam. Dar! I got away from dat pesterheels! (Sees Mrs. B.) 
Oh, 'scuse me. Mis' Briggs. 

Mrs. B. Dear me, you're all out of breath. What does 
make you always in mischief, Sam? 

Sam. 'Tain't me — I ain't done nuffin'. It's dat Mr. Tom. 
He's bodderin' an' chasin' me all de time. But I gub him de 
go-by dat time. He! he! he! 

Mrs. B. Gracious! Did I ever see sech boys! An' Silas is 
lookin' all over for you to turn the grindstone. 

Sam. Am dat so! Say — I'se de niggah wat can turn a grind- 
stone. (Runs off R. whistling.) 

(A knock at door. Enter Miss Tackley.) 

Mrs. B. Come right in. Miss Tackley. It's awful warm, 
ain't it? 

Miss T. Yes, it is very warm for this time of year. 

Mrs. B. Must be awful teachin' school sech weather. I s'pose 
you'll be real glad when it's over. 

Miss. T. I don't know whether I shall or not. Father and 
mother are away on business so our house is closed for the 
summer. 

Mrs. B. Dear me! Isn't that too bad ! What'll you do? 

Miss T. I think I shall remain with Miss Perkins during 
vacation except for a few weeks when I may visit friends. 

Mrs. B. Well, you might find a good many worse places than 
Miss Perkinses. 

Miss T, I've found that out already. By the way, is Tom at 
home? 

Mrs. B. Tom? Oh, he's round somewhere. He don't seem 
to get settled down to anything since he got through that agri- 
cultural school, an' I dunno's he ever will. I'll go'n call him. 
(Exit B. She is heard calling off stage.) 

Miss T. If it wasn't for Tom Briggs I never could have 
given lessons in agriculture to my classes in the wide world, 
because I didn't know the first thing about it to begin with. 
He always seems so willing to show me what I want to know 
about it, too. I never thought I should like farming, but some- 



THE DEACON'S HONEYMOON 5 

how or other it has become a real delight to have him explain 
things to me. Maybe if somebody else were my instructor I 
wouldn't find it so interesting after all. (Sound of whistling 
outside.) There he comes now. 

(Enter Tom.) 

Tom. Welcome, thrice welcome, Miss Tackley. It's time 
for another lesson, isn't it? 

Miss T. Yes, Mr. Tom, this is to be the last one. School 
closes next week, you know. 

Tom. Oh gee! that's too bad. Do you know I've enjoyed 
these lessons immensely. 

Miss T. No more than I. I never dreamed I should find them 
so captivating. 

Tom. Great, isn't it? — under certain conditions. 

Miss T. Shall we begin the lesson right away? 

Tom. I'm quite ready. 

Miss T. It was to be about weeds, you know. 

Tom. Yes, and you were to tell me the names of some of 
the common kinds. 

Miss T. I have thought of five (counting on fingers), bur- 
docks, pigweed, thistles and — and wild carrots, and — there was 
one more — oh, yes — milkweed. Haven't I done well? 

Tom. Remarkable! And I have brought a few specimens to 
study. 

Miss T. Oh, are buttercups and daisies weeds? I always think 
of them as flowers. 

Tom. They are flowers — and weeds, too. 

Miss T. Will you please tell me, Mr. Tom, what a weed 
really is? 

Tom. a weed — why a weed is — a weed — that is, a plant that 
grows where it ought not to grow. 

Miss T. 0-oh! Well, then if a beautiful tea rose should grow 
in a potato patch, would it be called a weed? 

Tom. I — er — why, really. Miss Tackley — 

Miss T. Are you stuck? 

Tom. Really, I think I had better look it up. 

Miss T. Then you don't know all there is to know about 
farming? 

Tom. Well, hardly. I've got one or two things yet to leam. 

Miss T. At any rate, I think you know a great deal about 
it, and you've helped me wonderfully, I can say that much. 

Tom. Thank you. Now, as I was going to remark, the first 
thing is to know how to recognize a weed, and the next thing 
how to get rid of it. We might start with the thistle. 

Miss T. Won't we prick our fingers? 

Tom. Not if we are careful. 

Miss T. Oh dear! There comes Miss Perkins. Now we won't 
be able to do anything. 

Tom. Then we'll remove to the side porch. 



6 .<^b ■:. THE DEACON'S HONEYMOON 

Miss T. .That: will be just the thing. {They exeunt r.) 
1 ;.: : .:'■ . (Enter Miss' PeAki^s.) 

Miss P. {looki7ig about). Nobody here? Well, I'll just walk 
right in anyway, an' make. '.myself to home. That's what Mrs. 
Briggs -always, says to do. My! This room is real comfortable 
after anybody's been out in thfe hot sun. An' it looks so clean, 
too. Nobody .can lay it up .agin Mrs. Briggs that she ain't a 
good housekeeper. She an' the i Deacon are both on 'em hard 
workin' an' allers have been, but that Tom don't seem to 
'mount to muqhr an' mebbe it'll be the same with Minnie when 
she, gets through, school. Wonder where Mrg. Briggs can be. 
(Looks out L., rear.), She don't seem to be in the kitchen. I'll 
jest set ^own a- minute till she comes. (Sits down but jumps up 
quickly.} 0-oh, land sakes alive! What ever was that I sot 
down on? , I'll bet 'twas a darnin' needle. (Examines chair.) 
Well, did you ever— ^a; bunch of thistles in this settin' room chair. 
.,. .' 1;, .- (Enter Mrs. Beiggs.) 

Mrs., Bi .Why, Miss Perkins, you here? 

Miss p. liTesv: I'm here, what there's left of me. 

Mks.. B. What's the matter? You look real frustrated. 
1 ■MI5^* P;, (Well, I am.. i : 

Mrs. B, ^Mebbe it's the heat. It is awful warm. Shan't I 
get' you -a; fan? . .■ .•.".. 

f'MissoP. No, 'tain't that. I jest stopped in here on my way 
from the. store an"; you, wasn!t here, so I set down to wait, an' 
what d'ye s'pose I set on? , 

: Mrs. B. Land o' goshen! I dunno, unless 'twas the cat. 
, Miss p. ,It wasn't thei Cat. I thought sure 'twas a pin cushion, 
but 'twasn't/ It was this bunch of thistles. 

Mas. B. '.Well, don't that beat all. It's some of Tom's doin's. 
He'£[i always: experimentin' as he calls it. Sometimes I get clean 
disgusted.. 
.Miss P. I should :think you would. 

Mrs. B. Did I. tell you that Minnie's comin' home next week. 
She's iavited pa an' me to come down to see her graduate, but 
of course we can't go — there's so much, work to do. 

Miss P. That makes me think— do you know Tom an' Minnie 
ought to' be a lot of help* to you an' Mr. Briggs now you're 
gettin' along in years. Jest think of what you've done for them. 

Mks. B. We've tried to give 'em both a good practical eddi- 
cation— better'n we had ourselves. 

Miss P. An' you've worked hard to do it. 

Mrs. B. We've allers worked hard ever since we was married. 
We didn't even take time for a weddin' trip. We've been 
scrimpin' an' savin' to pay up the mortgage, an' at last we've 
succeeded. Pa's gone to the Squire's today to pay it up. 

Miss P. You don't say! So you've got it all paid up. 

Mrs. B. Yes, an' it's took us forty years to do it. Our weddin' 
anniversary will be two weeks from today. 



THE DEACON'S HONEYMOON 7 

Miss P. I want to know! Forty years? I never guessed 
you'd been married that long. 

Mrs. B. Time goes by awful fast. 

Miss P. Well, now I tell you what I'd do if 'twas me — I'd 
have a regular celebration in honor of the occasion. 
('The Deacon is heard off stage singing any old-time song.) 

Mrs. B. There comes pa now, as happy as a king. 
(Enter Deacon singing.) 

Miss P. Goodness, Deacon, you act like a kid. 

Deacon. I feel twenty years younger. I feel like dancin' a 
two-step — that is, I mean — 

Mrs. B. Why, pa Briggs, how you talk, an' you a deacon of 
the church, too. 

Deacon. That's so, I'd most forgot. Mebbe "Ring Around a 
Rosy," or "Mulberry Bush" would be better. {Takes hold of 
Mrs. B.'s and Miss P.'s arms and swings about singing, ''Here 
We Go 'Round the Mulberry Bush," etc.) 

(Enter Tom and Miss T., ivho stand and watch them.) 

Miss P. My land! If this ain't ridiculous! 

Tom. Ha! ha! ha! Go it while you're young, Dad, go it 
while you're young. 

Mrs. B. Stop, pa! Do stop! Can't you see that you're makin' 
a show of us? 

Miss P. If the neighbors should hear of it. 

Deacon. We don't care a continental for the neighbors. But 
say! (abruptly) I didn't tell ye the mortgage was paid up afore 
I got there. 

Others. The mortgage paid? 

Deacon. Yep, paid up slick an' clean. I've got the deed an' 
the mortgage an' the money right here in my pocket. 

Mrs. B. Why, who d'ye s'pose did it? 

Deacon. That's more'n I know. It's a sort of mystery. The 
squire said he was under oath not to tell. 

Miss P. My soul and body! A mystery right here in Bean- 
ville, like they have in novels. Did you ever! 

Tom. I say — what are you going to do with all the money, pa? 

Deacon. That's a funny question to ask these times. 

Mrs. B. It'll come in real handy. We need so much on the 
farm. 

Miss P. I was jest sayin' to Mrs. Briggs I should think you'd 
have some kind of a celebration. Why wouldn't it be real nice 
to have a weddin' anniversary? 

Tom. That's the idea! Then take a trip somewheres and 
have a regular lark. 

Deacon. You folks don't seem to think we're gettin' old an' 
stiff. 

Miss P. You didn't act very stiff a few minutes ago. You 
most took my arm off. (Deacon laughs.) But really, I don't 



8 THE DEACON'S HONEYMOON 

see why you can't go. You've got a good capable man on the 
place. 

Deacon. Hain't a better man in the county than Si Pettingill. 

Tom. And you mustn't forget that you've got a son who has 

just completed a course at the — Agricultural School. Oh, 

1 say — we'll get along dandy, father. 

Mrs. B. But what about the vittles? 

Miss T. You say Minnie's comin' home next week, an' with 
all the domesticated science she's been larnin' — 

Tom. Cree! That's a good scheme — let Minnie look after the 
house and I'll superintend the farm work. We'll both be gain- 
ing practical experience. 

Mrs. B. I should hope so. 

Tom. We haven't heard your opinion yet, Miss Tackley. Just 
suppose you were in debt and some fairy came along and paid 
up everything and left you a neat little sum all for your very 
own, wouldn't you feel like taking a play spell? 

Miss T. Indeed I would, and if I were in your father and 
mother's place I would have a real honeymoon, even though it 
might be years after the wedding. 

Tom. There, pa, what did I tell you. We all think alike. 

Deacon. What do you say, mother, shall we do it? 

Mrs. B. Mebbe we'd better, pa. We've worked hard all our 
lives an' I presume it would do us lots of good. 

Deacon. I shouldn't wonder a bit if it would. 
(Enter Sam.) 

Sam {looking off stage). Yes sah, he's heah! He's heah! 
(Enter Sil^as.) 

Deacon. What's the trouble, Si? 

Silas. No trouble. I was jest goin' to ask if I should turn 
old Dobbin out to pasture this mornin'. 

Deacon. Better ask the new superintendent. 

Silas. The new superintendent? 

ToM. Yes, turn him out, Silas, we won't need him today. 
Turn him out and let him have a good time. 

Deacon. You see Tom's bound to have us all out to pasture 
— ^the old boss an' the old folks. He's got it all mapped out 
for us to take our honewmoon, morther'n I. 

Silas. Honeymoon? Good Lord! Ho! ho! ho! Goin' on 
your honeymoon, eh? 

Deacon. That's about the size of it. 

Miss T. We've all had a hand in it, Mr. Pettingill — everyone 
of us. 

Miss P. It was a unanimous vote. 

Silas. Well, come to think on't, I dunno's I blame ye. You've 
both been doin' your share of work, that's sartin. When my 
wife, Sarah, was alive we took a trip off somewhere every year 
— fust one place an' then another, an' once we went clean to 



THE DEACON'S HONEYMOON 9 

(any nearby town) an' back. We went wherever Sarah 

wanted to go. 

Miss P. My ! You must have been awful good to your wife, 
Mr. Pettingill. 

Silas. I sartinly did try to be. 

Miss P. I shall come over occasionally to see. that everything 
is all right. 

Mrs. B. It'll be real good of you if you will, Miss Perkins. 
Of course, Minnie'U do the best she can, but she's young yet, 
you know. 

Silas. Say, don't forget to bring over one of them apple 
turnovers of yourn when you do come. 

Miss P. Why, of course I will, Silas. I know how you enjoy 
'em. 

Sam. So does dis colored gemman. 

Miss T. I think I would like to engage as a farmerette. May 
I, Mr. Superintendent? 

Tom. Perhaps so. I will place your application on file. 

Saai. By gracious! I jes' bet we'se gwinter hab high ol' 
times heah dis summer. 

Deacon. I'm afraid so, Sam. 

Silas. Don't worry. Deacon. I'll keep a hand on the safety 
valve. 

Deacon. I know I can trust you, Silas. If 'twan't for you 
an' Miss Perkins we wouldn't go. But there's one thing that's 
sorter worryin' me. 

Tom. What's that, father? 

Deacon. I'd jest like to know who paid that ere mortgage. 

Silas. Who paid the mortgage? 

Deacon. Yes, some chap slipped in ahead of me an' paid up 
the hull blamed thing, slick an' clean. 

Silas. Gosh, you don't say! Mighty accommmodatin' sort 
of chap, eh? 

Deacon. 'Pears that way, but I ain't got no idee who 'twas 
or what he did it for. 

Silas. Wal, mebbe I can help ye out that way, too. You see. 
I've been town constable for six years, an' I've did considerable 
detectin' work. Jest give me the particulars sometime an' I'll 
set to work on the case. 

Miss P. Mebbe we can all be of some assistance, Mr. De- 
tective. 

Tom, You bet! 

Mrs. B. Dear me! We've got a lot to do to get ready, pa. 

Deacon. I callate we have — considerable to do. 

Miss T. Well, don't be afraid to call on us for anything you 
want, because we want you to have a real nice time — 

Ali.^ a real old-fashioned honeymoon. 

(All join in singing any appropriate song, or following may 
be rendered to tune of "Auld Lang Syne.") 



10 THE DEACON'S HONEYMOON 

Come, let's forget the many years — 

Their trials and their woe, 
And live again those happy days 

Of forty years ago; 

As down the old church aisle we march 

To a merry wedding tune. 
And we will start Life's journey right 

With joyful honeymoon. 

Chobus : 

Those olden days, those golden days, 

Those days of Auld Lang Syne, 
"Then here's a hand my trusty friend, 
And gie's a hand o' thine." 

(7/ desired the chorus of "Auld Lang Syne" may be used a^ter 
above chorus, or as encore.) 

CUBTAIN. 
ACT II. 

Scene: Same as in Act I. A trunk is at center of room. Articles 
of clothing are scattered about on chair. 

(Mrs. B. and Minnie are busy packing.) 

Minnie. Now mother, you'd better go and get ready or you'll 
be late. 

Mrs. B. I'm all ready but changin' my dress. That won't 
take long. 

Minnie. And I'll keep at work here while you're doing it. 
There isn't much time to spare. 

Mrs. B. Don't worry, I'll be ready 'fore pa is now. 
(Enter De}acon without coat or vest.) 

Deacon. Say! Where in Sam Hill is my striped necktie 
gone to, d'ye s'pose? 

Mrs. B. Why, it's right there in the top bureau drawer 
where you always keep it. 

Deacon. I'll be blamed if I can find it. I've ransacked that 
drawer through from top to bottom four times. 

Mrs. B. I'll bet you made a pretty mess of it. Dear me! 
Men are such helpless critters. 

Deacon. Wal, what would ye do for honeymoons without 'em, 
I'd like to know? 

Minnie. If you folks don't hurry you'll be late. (Mrs. B. 
exits B.) 

Deacon. Here, Minnie, see if you can button this collar 
for me. 

Minnie. All right, pa. {She tries to button it but the button 
falls to floor.) Oh dear! There goes the button. 



THE DEACON'S HONEYMOON 11 

Deacon. That's the peskiest button I've seen. It's done 
that same trick twice a'ready. (They get down on hands and 
knees to look for it.) 

(Enter Miss P. and Miss T.) 

Miss P. Well, of all things! What kind of a game be you 
a playin' now? 

Deacon. We're playin' "Hunt the Collar Button." It's mighty 
interestin'. Don't ye want to jine it? 

Miss T. Oh, here it is! I've found it. (Picks it up.) Now 
you must let me button your collar, Mr. Briggs. 
(Enter Mrs. B. with tie.) 

Mrs. B. Wal, here's your tie. That bureau looked as if a 
Kansas cyclone had struck it. (Sees Miss P. and Miss T.) Why, 
howdy do, ladies. 

Miss P. Mornin', Mrs. Briggs. Ain't there something I 
can be doin' to help? 

Mrs. B. You might help Minnie with the packin' if you're 
a mind to. I'm goin' to change my dress now (Exit). 

Minnie. There are some of mother's aprons and one of pa's 
white shirts to fold and put in. 

(Minnie and Miss P. continue packing.) 

Miss P. Ain't it an awful job to get ready to go anywhere, 
'specially when you have to pack a trunk. Why, last time I 
went down to visit my third cousin in Spicerville, it took me 
four days to pack. (To Deacon) Made up your mind where 
you're goin' yet, Deacon? 

Deacon. Yep, we're goin' to (any nearby town) first to 

to visit Martha's brother's folks, an' after that I dunno jest what 
we will do. Mebbe we'll go to or , I dunno which. 

Miss P. Well, I do hope you'll have a good time. 

Miss T. There! Your collar and tie are all right, Mr. Briggs. 
They look fine. 

Deacon. Thank ye, Miss Schoolma'am, you're a mighty handy 
gal to have around. 

(Enter Tom.) 

Tom. That's what I think too, father. That's why I've decided 
to give her a job here for the summer. 

Miss T. Oh, thank you, Mr. Tom, thank you ever so much. 

Deacon. My son, there's one thing I want to caution you 
about. Don't go to experimentin' too much with them new- 
fangled idees of yourn. Mebbe they're all right — I don't say 
they ain't, but I'd go a little slow. You'n Silas work together. 

Tom. Sure we will. We'll get along tip-top. You'll find 
everything fine and dandy when you get back. 

Deacx)(n. Silas is a leetle odd sometimes, but he's all right. 
One other thing — you ought to have an extra man for the 
hayin'. 

Tom. Well, you know Bob's coming tomorrow. 
(Enter Mrs. B.) 



12 THE DEACON'S HONEYMOON 

Mrs. B. Don't stand there talkin', pa. Can't you see it's 
most half past ten now? 

Deacon. I swan! I didn't know 'twas so late. (Exits hur- 
riedly. Tom watches packing.) 

Mrs. B. Miss Perkins, will you hook my dress up in the back? 

Miss T. Let me do it. I haven't anything else to do. (She 
fastens dress.) I'm sure you're going to have a perfectly lovely 
time, Mrs. Briggs, and you mustn't worry one mite, because 
we're all going to do everything we can to make things run 
smoothly. Aren't we, folks? 

Tom. You bet we are. 

(Enter Sam, running.) 

Sam. Hi dar! De stage am a comin' up de road! De stage 
am a comin' up de road! 

Mrs. B. My goodness sakes! An' we ain't ready yet! Where's 
pa? 

(Enter Deacon with coat and vest on.) 

Deacon. Here I be, but I'll be blowed if I can find my hat. 

Mrs. B. Why, it's right in the bandbox in the clothes press. 
I'll get it. (Exits.) 

Tom. Hustle and tell Silas to come and help get the trunk 
out, Sam. 

Sam. Golly, I nebber see sech a hubbub in my born days. 
(Runs out.) 

Miss P. You'd better fasten the trunk, Tom. (Tom closes 
trunk and fastens it.) 

(Enter Mrs. B. with Deacon's hat and her own.) 

Mrs. B. Here 'tis, pa, — here's your hat. Now you get the 
umbrel while I'm puttin' my hat on. 

(Sound of voice outside ''Whoa, dar! All aboard!'*) 
(Enter Silas and Sam.) 

Silas. Everybody ready? Old Ben's out here waitin'. 

Deacon. Purty nigh, Silas. You'n Sam can be carryin' the 
trunk out. (They lift trunk and carry it out.) 

Sam. Golly, dat trunk's heaby as ol' Mam Plunkett's biscuits. 
(The Deacon with umbrella and Mrs. B. with old-fashioned 
bag stand together ready for departure.) 

Mrs. B. Wal, Miss Perkins, how do we look anyway? 

Miss P. You look real scrumptious. Jest like a young bridal 
couple. 

Deacon. Pshaw now. Miss Perkins. 

Miss T. But you do look real nice — both of you — just as 
anyone ought to look when they're starting on their honeymoon. 
All you lack are these roses. (Pins roses on each.) 
(Voice outside, "All aboard!") 

Minnie. You folks'U miss the train if you don't hurry. 

Deacon. That's so, that's so! Good-bye, everybody. (Exeunt 
Mr. and Mrs. B. amid a chorus of good-byes.) 

Miss P. Have a good time and don't worry. 



THE DEACON'S HONEYMOON 13 

Tom. Say, we ought to have some rice or old shoes. 

Minnie. There's one of pa's shoes. 

Tom. Just the thing (picks up shoe) for good luck. (Runs 
out, others laugh. Miss P., Miss T. and Minj^ib stand in door- 
way.) 

All (waving handkerchiefs). Good-bye! Good-bye! 
(Voice outside shouts, ''Giddap, Bess!") 

Minnie. Well, there they go and Tom's thrown the shoe. 

Miss P. Old Ben'll have to jog up his bosses if he catches 
that train. 

(They move away from door as Tom enters.) 

Tom. Well, they've gone at last (at center of room) and here 
stands the new superintendent of "Pleasantview Farm." Some 
supe, eh? 

Miss P. I hope you'll turn out to be a good one, but — 

Tom. But you have your doubts. Howsomever, I may sur- 
prise you as well as all the rest. I'm going to show you what 
kind of metal I'm made of in the next few weeks. 

Minnie. And how about the new mistress of "Pleasantview?" 

Tom. Bully, if she doesn't feed us too heavy on those assthetic 
dishes of hers. 

Miss T. What kind are those, Mr. Tom? 

Tom. Oh, you know — mushroom salads and fricasseed let- 
tuce and that sort of stuff. 

Minnie. What kind do you want, may I ask? 

Tom. Good plain substantial "vittles" are the best for work- 
ing people. 

Minnie. Then I shall see that you get plenty of that kind. 
(Enter Sam.) 

Sam. Wat yo' s'pose? Dere's an ortymobile a comin' wif a 
couple of moonshiners an' — 

Tom. Moonshiners? What you givin' us, Sam? 

Sam. No sah, I don't mean moonshiners — I mean honey- 
mooners, an' dey's comin' heah, sho nuff. (Looking off k.) 

Minnie. Who can it be? (Looks out door.) Why, it's Esther 
Horn! 

Tom. And Bob Gray! I'll be jiggered! Sam, go and help 
with the baggage. (Exit Sam.) 

(Enter Esther and Minnie rushes to welcome her. Bob 
follows and is welcomed by Tom.) 

Minnie. Oh, Esther! I'm so glad you've come. 

Esther. And I'm right glad to get here. 

Tom. And Bob, old chap, how are you? 

Bob. As full of the old Nick as ever. 

Minnie. Let me introduce you to our neighbor, Miss Per- 
kins, (to Miss P.) Miss Perkins, this is my school friend, Miss 
Esther Horn. (Greetings.) 

Tom. And my chum, Mr. Robert Gray. (They exchange 
greetings.) And this is Miss Tackley, our school mistress. 



14 THE DEACONS HONEYMOON 

(Both Esther and Bob exchange greetings with Miss T.) You've 
heard about my giving lessons in agriculture, haven't you? 

Bob. Haven't heard of anything else lately. 

Esther. Oh, are you an instructor in the science of farming? 

Tom. Science is right. 

Miss T. He's a real good instructor. I can recommend him 
highly. 

Miss P. An' I know that Miss Tackley has been awfully de- 
voted to the subject. 

Tom. She has been learning the theory heretofore, but to- 
morrow morning she begins the practical side of it — in the 
berry field. 

Esther. I shall be ready for work tomorrow morning, too. 

Bob. I also am at your service, Mr. Superintendent. Isn't 
that what you called yourself in your letter? 

Tom. That's my official title, and I can assure you there's 
plenty of work in store for you all. You see, Miss Perkins, 
we're planning to make things hum here this summer. 

Miss P. I should say as much. 

Minnie. But how did you happen to get here a day ahead 
of the schedule? 

Esther. I made a mistake in the date and didn't notice it 
until after I had written you, so I took a chance and came on. 

Bob. As you remember, I didn't set any definite date, but 
thought it might be tomorrow. At any rate here we are. 

Minnie. But if you'd only waited for the stage — 

Tom. Or phoned us we'd' — 

Bob. "What was the use? When we got off the train we saw 
a big six-passenger car headed this way, so we both hopped in 
bag and baggage and it took us about five minutes to get here. 
That's the whole story. 

(Enter Sam with arms full of suitcases, traveling bags, etc. 
One case is partly open and articles of clothing are protruding 
from it.) 

Sam. Hi, gracious! Heah I is wif all de luggage. One ob 
dem suit cases done split open on de steps an' I'se had de 
orfulles' time a pickin' up de underwear an' de toof brushes 
an' pajamas an' — 

Bob. Great Scott! That's my suit case. 

Tom, Sam, I've a mind to box your ears. 

Sam. Yes sah, but I couldn't help it — 'deed I couldn't, Mr. Tom. 

Tom. We'll take it right up to your room. Bob. Bring along 
some of those traps, Sam. (Exeunt Tom, Bob and Sam.) 

Minnie. Would you like me to show you to your room, Esther? 

Esther. Yes, if you please. I look as if I need to brush up 
a little. 

Minnie. I'll be down soon, ladies. (Exeunt Minnie and 
Esther with hags.) 



THE DEACON'S HONEYMOON 15 

Miss T. I think I will go home now and finish my clothes 
ready for work tomorrow. Are you going to stay longer? 

Miss P. Jest a few minutes to see if Minnie needs my help. 

Miss T. All right, then I'll see you at noon. (Exit.) 
(Sound of singing heard outside.) 

Miss P. There's Silas comin'. I know his voice. 
(Enter Silas.) 

Silas (singing). Rum te dum te dum te — (sees Miss P.) 
Why, Susan, you here all alone? 

Miss P. Jest for a few minutes, Silas. Say! Did you know 
them young folks that was expected tomorrow have jest landed? 

Silas. Gosh, no! You don't say! 

Miss P. Well, they have — come about ten minutes ago. 

Silas. What kind of actin' critters be they? 

Miss P. They're young an' giddy, 'bout like Tom an' Minnie. 

Silas. I'll bet we're goin' to have some hi'falutin' times 
here this summer with all them young folks around. 

Miss P. I'm afraid so, Silas. 

Silas. An' it's you an' me that's got to keep things runnin' 
straight. The Deacon expects it of us. 

Miss P. I'm willin' to do my share. 

Silas. So'm I. I wouldn't have anything happen to spoil their 
enjoyment — not for the world. I can't help thinkin' of the 
time Sarah'n me went on our honeymoon, "rhat was in June, 
too — long about this time. I don't s'pose I'll ever have another 
sech a good time as that. 

Miss P. Pshaw, Silas! How you talk! You ain't never 
tried again. 

Silas That's so, Susan, I hain't. I don't s'pose I'd have 
much success if I did — not at my age. 

Miss P. Now Silas, you aren't so old — not over sixty, be you? 

Silas. Fifty-nine next fall. 

Miss P. An' a good steady man like you hadn't ought to have 
any trouble 'tall. Lots of women would say "yes" in a jiffy if 
you only asked 'em. 

Silas. D'ye think so, Susan? 

Miss P. I know it. I know one already that — 

(Enter Sam whistling. He looks at Silas and Miss P., then 
begins laughing.) 

Sam. He! he! he! (Aside) Caught 'em wif de goods dat 
time. He! he! he! 

Miss P. Samuel Johnson, what ails you? 

Sam. Oh nufEn'. He! he! he! he he! — (holds sides.) 

Silas. Sam, go'n stir up some meal an' feed the calves an' 
then carry that pail of slops out to the pigs. Hustle up. 

Sam. ifes sah. (Exit. He is heard laughing outside.) 

Silas. TTie young scape grace! 

(Sound of voices outside.) 

Miss P, There's Tom an' that other young feller comin' now. 



16 THE DEACON'S HONEYMOON 

Silas. Guess I'd better go'n look after Sam. (Exit.) 
(Enter Tom and Bob.) 

Tom. Miss Tackley gone? 

Miss P. Site's gone home to get ready for tomorrow. She'll 
be singin' a different tune tomorrow night or I miss my guess. 

ToM. Oh, I don't know about that. She's real gritty. 
(Enter Minnie.) 

Minnie. I didn't mean to be gone so long, Miss Perkins. 

Miss P. Oh, I didn't mind in the least. Is there anything 
I can do to help? If tkere ain't I'm going right home an' get 
dinner. 

Minnie. Thank you, Miss Perkins, but I don't think of any- 
thing just now. You see mother left so much cooked up that 
I won't have much to do for a few days. 

Miss P. Well, I'll run in once in a while an' see how things 
are gettin' along. 'Tain't as if I lived a mile aaway. (Exit.) 

Bob. She seems to be a real neighborly body. 

Tom. Miss Perkins is all right. We couldn't do business 
without her. 

(Enter Esther.) 

Esther. Say! Do you know I think you've got the loveliest 
view from your house that I have ever seen. I was looking at 
it from the upper window. 

Tom. That's why we call it "Pleasantview Farm." 

Esther. See! There's that wide valley with the river run- 
ning through it, and the hills beyond are so beautiful. Isn't 
it grand, Mr. Gray? 

Bon. Charming! It's enough to make one want to live here 
forever. 

Tom. Hello! There's old Ben. He must have caught the 
train. 

Bob. And look. Miss Horn! There's that same man that 
came on the train with us— the man with the whiskers. 

Esther. Goodness gracious! He's coming here, too. Is it 
anyone you know, Mr. Briggs? 

Tom. Stranger to me. Rather tough looking customer I 
should say. 

Esther. Really, I'm afraid of him. I wonder if he's a Bol- 
sheviki. 

Bob. He does look like the pictures of one. 

Minnie. Let's you and I go into the kitchen and see about 
dinner, Esther. 

Esther. That's agreeable to me. (Exetmt Minnie and 
Esther.) 

(A loud knock at door.) 

Tom. Come in, sir. 

(Enter Jim Hooker.) 

Jim. I accept your invitation, young man. 

Tom. Have a chair. 



THE DEACON'S HONEYMOON 17 

Jim. (sitting dotvn.) I accept again. [Looks around.) So this 
Josh Briggses place, eh? 

Tom. Yes, sir, but dad isn't home now. 

Jim. Back soon? 

Tom. Not for a few weeks. He just left this morning for a 
vacation — he and mother. 

Jim. Jumpin' Walruses! That's rotten luck for a feller 
what's come all the way from Alaska. 

Tom. Prom Alaska? Gee whiz! You're some traveler. 

Jim. Reckon I've done quite a bit of it in my time. 

Tom. What's your name, anyway? 

Jim. Name? As the poet-feller said, "What's in a name?" 
Jest call me "Jim Hooker." That's good enough. 

Tom. I suppose you want to see father on business, coming 
so far. 

Jim. Mebbe yes, an' mebbe no. I reckon your pa's purty well 
fixed, ain't he? Some punkins in the neighborhood, eh? 

Tom. He owns this farm and he's a deacon in the church, 
and — ■ 

Jim. a deacon, eh? Ha! ha! Who'd a thought it. 

Tom. So you're acquainted with dad, are you? 

Jim. I acquired a little acquaintance with your pa some 
years ago before I follered the advice of old Horace Greeley to 
"Go West, young man." 

Bob. Too bad he didn't get here before your father started, 
wasn't it? 

Jim. All I can do now is jest to pitch my tent here till the 
old gent gets back, that's all. 

Tom. What? Here? 

Jim. I reckon so. 

Tom. I'll have to talk with my sister about it. 

Jim. An' while I'm campin' on your pa's trail if you've got 
a job handy I might consider it. 

Tom. We do need some extra help in haying. I'll talk to 
Silas. 

Jim. All right, talk it over with the nabobs, but I'm figurin' 
on stoppin' with ye, an' what's more, we're goin' to get along 
real comfortable together. I may be a leetle rough on the 
exterior, but I'm not so bad at heart, an' nobody can say Jim 
Hooker ever did 'em a mean turn. Now, if I'm not mistaken, 
I saw this young feller on the train this mornin'. 

Bob. Yes, sir, I got on at Spruceville. 

Jim. Jest what I thought. Now while you're considerin' the 
inatter I'll go outside and have a smoke besides doin' a leetle 
prospectin' 'round the ranch. (Exit.) 

Bob. Holy smoke! That's cool. 

Tom. Cool as a cucumber. 

(Minnie and Estheb peep in cautiously, then enter.) 

Minnie. Has he gone? 



18 THE DEACON'S HONEYMOON 

Esther. Who was he? 

Tom. He's gone, but he'll be back. His name is Jim Hooker 
and he's from Alaska. 

Esther. My goodness! From Alaska? 

Bob. TTiat's why he wears such a mop of whiskers — it's so 
cold up there. 

Tom. He says he's going to stay with us till pa gets back. 

Minnie. Going to stay here? 

Tom. So he says. 

Minnie. Well, of all the nerve. 

Tom. That's what I say. 

Esther. Are you going to let him, Mr. Briggs? 

Tom. I told him I would talk it over with my sister. 

Bob. He doesn't seem to be such a bad sport the more you 
see of him. 

Esther. But he looks so wild and woolly. 

Minnie. We might ask him to dinner and decide later. 
(A report of revolver outside.) 

Bob. What was that? Sounded like a gun. 

Tom, Probably some hunter after squirrels. 
(Another report is heard.) 

Esther. Dear me! There it is again. (Puts hands to ears.) 

Bob (looking out). Where was it anyway? 

Minnie. Sounded near the barn somewhere. 

Esther. You don't suppose it was — 

(Enter Sam out of breath.) 

Sam. Oh, Lawdy! I'se kilt! I'se kilt! 0-o-oh! 

Girls. Why, what's the matter, Sam? 

Sam. Oh, I'se kilt! I'se done kilt, I know I is. 

Tom. You've told us that several times. Who killed you? 

Sam. I dunno who 'twas. Jes' as I was comin' 'round de 
barn I seed de orfulles' lookin' man wif hair all ober his face 
an' — 

Esther. It was that Mr. Hooker. 

Sam. Yes um, an' when I got roun' de cornah he done hit me 
wlf a bombshell an' — an' den fust t'ing I know he shot me 
wif a gun, an' oh Lawdy! I'se so scart I dunno if I'se kilt 
or if I isn't. 

Minnie. Just like a Bolsheviki. 

(Enter Silas.) 

Silas. What's goin' on? What's the rumpus here? Who's 
been shootin'? 

Tom. That's what we're trying to find out. 
(Enter Miss P. and Miss T.) 

Miss P. Goodness sakes! What's the matter? We heard 
a gun an 'we've run all the way over here. 

Miss T. What was it, Mr. Tom? Do tell us. 

Tom. I can't. You'd better ask Mr. Hooker. 

Silas, Miss P. and Miss T. Mr. Hooker? 



THE DEACON'S HONEYMOON 19 

Tom. Here he comes now. 

(Enter Jim Hooker.) 

Tom. Allow me to present to you Mr. Jim Hooker of Alaska. 

Sam. Yes, sah, he's de bery same guy wif de whiskers. 

Jim. Haw! haw! haw! Here's the colored gent that got 
scared out of his boots. Reckon he never heard a gun before. 

Tom. What happened, anyway? 

Jim. Nothin' only I jest flicked off three crows with two 
shots. Not so bad, eh? 

Bob. Pretty good stunt, but you started something all right. 

Jim. Curious, how everybody gets scared out of their wits 
over a couple of shots. If you'd ever lived round the diggin's 
you wouldn't think nothin' of it. 

Silas. None of us ever did, an' what's more, I s'pose you 
know it's agin the law to carry firearms, don't ye? 

Jim. By the everlastin' icebergs! That's news to me. 

Silas. It's the law hereabouts, an' as constable it's my duty 
to see that the law's enforced. (Shows badge.) 

Jim. So you're the constable, eh? (Looks him over.) 

Silas. Yep. 

Jim. Then, Mr. Constable, I reckon I'll have to turn this here 
six-shooter over to you for safe keepin' till I go back. (Hands 
revolver to Silas.) Mind you take good care of it, Mr. Con- 
stable. 

Silas. Never fear, I'll take good care of it. 

Miss P. Mercy! Don't let it go off, Silas. 

Miss T. I'm real glad nobody was hurt. 

Miss P. We'd better go back home an' finish our dinner. We 
was jest settin' down to the table when we heard the racket. 
(Exeunt Miss P. and Miss T.) 

Minnie. Our dinner is all ready, too. 

Sam. Golly! Dat sounds mighty good. I'se got ober bein' 
scart an' I'se hungry as a bear. 

Tom. I guess we're all hungry. It's been a most exciting day. 
So all aboard for the dining room! 

Minnie. Come, Mr. Hooker. 

Tom. We'll talk over that other matter later. (All exeunt as 

CuBTAiN Falls. 
ACT III. 

Scene: Door yard at the Briggs homestead. A well curb 
and one or two benches are conveniently grouped. 

(Enter Tom, followed by Bob, Estheb, Minnie and Miss T.) 

Tom, Come everybody, now for a cooling draught of Adam's 
ale. 

Miss T. From the "old oaken bucket" — 

Esther. "The iron-bound bucket," 

Bob. "The moss-covered bucket that hung in the well." 

Minnie. Some one start the song and we'll all sing. 



20 THE DEACON'S HONEYMOON 

(All sing "The Old Oaken Bucket" — one or more stanzas. 
Meanwhile Tom lowers bucket and pulls it to top of curb. A 
tin pail containing water is concealed in bucket. He dips from 
this into glasses, using tin dipper, and hands one to each.) 

Bob (at close of song). Here's to the efficient superintendent 
of "Pleasantview Farm." 
Tom. Oh rats! 

Bob. 1'Tien we'll drink to the health and happiness of Mr. 
and Mrs. Briggs. May they continue to enjoy their honeymoon. 
(All drink.) 

Tom. I say — let's sit down a few minutes and rest. We'll 
work all the better for it afterward. To tell the truth I'm about 
all in. 

Esther. It is awful hot. 

Tom. Hot? Gee! It's hot enough to scorch the hair on a 
dog. 

Bob. I'll bet it's 145 degrees in the shade. (Looks at ther- 
mometer. ) 

Miss T. How much is it, Mr. Gray? 
Bob. Only 87. That thermometer is punk. 
Minnie. I should say as much. Wonder why pa keeps it? 
Bob. I say — who's got my coat? I left it hanging on this nail. 
Esther. Not I. 
Minnie. Nor I. 

Tom. Nobody wants a coat this weather. 
Miss T. We all plead "not guilty." 

Bob (looking about). Well, that's the funniest thing. (Dis- 
covers it.),- Oh. here it is. Somebody's been using it for a 
mop. 

Esther. For a mop? 

Bob. Yes, look at it. Isn't that a sight? (Holds it up for 
inspection, at the same time looking through pockets.) By 
George! My pocket book's gone, too. 

Miss T. Well, you certainly are having bad luck. 
Bob. And there was $50 in that pocket book — every cent I 
had with me. 

Minnie. Isn't that strange? 

Bob (suddenly). What? That I should have fifty dollars? 
Minnie. Oh my, no. I mean strange that your pocket book 
should be missing. 

Esther. Whom do you suppose could have taken it, Bob? 
Bob. Haven't any idea. 

Minnie. Do you think someone could have stolen It? 
Toji. Seems to me it would be just as well if we should look 
around for it. It may not be stolen after all. (All search.) 
Minnie. How does it look anyway? 
Bob. Just an ordinary black bill book. 
Miss T. Here's one in this coat. Maybe that's it. 



THE DEACON'S HONELMOON 21 

Bob (examining it). By cracky! That is mine. Whose coat 
is it? 

Tom. Looks like Jim Hooker's. 

All. It is Jim Hooker's. 

Minnie. Dear me! You don't suppose he took it, do you? 

Esther. Well, you know I was afraid of him the very first 
day. 

Miss T. But isn't it too bad that this happened just when 
we were beginning to understand him and to like him better. 

Tom. I suggest that you turn the matter over to Silas. He 
claims to be a detective. 

Bob. Good idea. But I'll keep my eye on that fifty dollars 
all the same. 

Esther. Here comes Mr. Pettingill now. 

Minnie. And there's the mail man up the road. Sam's 
waiting for him. 

(Enter Silas.) 

Silas. Wal, I swan! You folks are takin' it cool. 

Miss T. Not so very cool, after all, Mr. Pettingill. We're 
plenty warm enough. 

Silas. Hottest day we've had since the summer of 19 — . 
(Enter Sam with letters. Silas drinks from well.) 

Sam. Heah am de mail — a letter for Miss Esther. (Hands it 
to her.) 

Esther. It's from mother. 

Sam. An' one fo' de boss. 

Tom. Let's have it quick. (Takes letter and opens it.) 

Sam. An' a magerzine fo' Miss Minniei. (Hands it to her.) 

Tom (holding letter in hand). Well, what do you know about 
this? Dad and mother are coming home today on the 4:30 
train. 

All. Today? 

Tom. That's what the letter says. 

Silas. Gosh! Wonder what they're comin' so soon for. 

Minnie. Most likely pa's worrying about the work. He 
thinks no one can do it but himself. 

Silas. Mebbe he'll be surprised when he does get here. 

Tom. Come, Sam, we'll go and hitch up. It's after four 
now. We'll have to hustle to catch the train as it is. 

Sam. Golly! I'll be mighty glad to see de Deacon an' Missus 
Deacon again, I sho will. 

(Sam dances off stage, Tom after him.) 

Minnie. Well, I must go and prepare for supper. They'll 
be hungry after their journey. 

Miss T. Hadn't we better go back to work? We've had a 
long recess. 

Bob. I want to speak with. Mr. Pettingill about my pocket- 
book first. 



22 THE DEACON'S HONEYMOON 

Esther. Be sure to tell him all the details. {Exeunt Esther 
and Miss T.) 

Silas. What is 't about a pocket book, young man? 

Bob. I left a bill book with fifty dollars in it in my coat 
pocket this noon, and when I came to look for it Just now, it 
was gone. 

Silas. Gone? 

Bob. Yes, and we found it — you couldn't guess where. 

Silas. So you've found it, eh? 

Bob. Yes sir, in Mr. Hooker's pocket. 

Silas. You don't say! 

Bob. Yes, and you being a detective, I thought I'd see what 
you could make out of it. We don't want to accuse him and 
yet — 

Silas. An' yet you found it in his possession. 

Bob. That's it exactly. 

Silas. An' you say your coat was hangin' up here? 

Bob. They were both hanging here where we always keep 
them. 

Silas. A mighty keerless place to keep fifty dollars, I should 
say. 

Bob. Very likely, but I never thought of any robbers around. 

Silas. Young man, you never can tell what'll happen next 
in this world. 

Bob. But what's your opinion, Mr. Silas? 

Silas. I don't know yet. I'll have to think it over. 

Bob. While you're studying the case I'll go back to work. 
(Exit.) 

Silas. Gosh a'mighty ! That makes two detectin' cases I've 
got on hand a'ready. 

(Enter Jim Hookee.) 

Jim. Well, pard, this is what you might call a ripper-snorter 
day, so to speak. 

Silas. Fust class hay weather. 

Jim. Reminds me some of the weather down in Arizona once 
when I was there. It was so all-fired hot you could spread 
potatoes on the ground 'long about eleven o'clock an' they'd 
be cooked in time for dinner. 

Silas. Would hey? Say, you'n Lish Whitcomb would make 
a good pair. He can reel off the biggest yarns of anybody 
hereabouts. 

Jim. Reckon I'll have to look up this Lish What-you-call-him 
an' give him a tussle. He'll have to go some to beat Jim Hooker. 

Silas. I shouldn't wonder. 

Jim (at well). An' say, pard, I want to tell ye that this here 
water comes purty night bein' the best water I've tasted this side 
the Rockies. (Drinks.) 

Silas. That's no yarn. I've allers known it. 

Jim. Now I'll go back an' finish cockin' up that hay. 



THE DEACON'S HONEYMOON 23 

Silas. I reckon the Deacon'U be kinder s'prised when he 
gets hum this afternoon. 

Jim. What say? Josh comin' today? 

Silas. He's comin' on the 4:30 train. Tom's after him now. 

Jim. I'll be mighty glad to see Josh once more. Jest give a 
sort of war whoop when he comes. (Exit.) 

EiLAS (looking after him). Somehow or other I can't get over 
the notion that I've seen that feller before. I wonder if he'« 
anybody I've had in the "cooler" sometime. I'll have to look 
in my book. 

(Enter Miss P. unobserved by Silas. He jumps.) 

Miss P. Why, howdy do, Silas. I thought mebbe you'd be 
down in the lot to work. 

Silas. Land ! How you scart me, Susan. I didn't see ye 
comin'. 

Miss P. I'm real sorry — but see what I've brought ye. (Holds 
up turnover.) 

Silas. G-osh! A turnover! 

Miss P. Yes, only 'tain't apple— it's berry. (Hands it to Sllas.) 

Silas. Thank ye, Susan. You're real thoughtful. If 'twan't 
bad manners to eat in company I'd set right down an' eat it now. 

Miss P. Do, Silasj that's what I brung it for, an' I'll set 
down with ye while you're eatin' it. (They sit on bench and 
Silas eats pie.) 

Silas. An' while we're settin' here I'll tell ye the news. 

Miss P. , Oh, have you got some news? 

Silas. I should say I have. Lemme see, — what'll I tell ye 
'bout fust. I guess I'll tell ye 'bout the Deacon. 

Miss P. Have they heard from him? 

Silas. Yep, they've heard from him an' he's comin' home on 
the 4:30 train. 

Miss P. Do tell! i seen Tom goin' lickety split down the 
road an' I thought something was to pay. 

Silas. Well, that's what 'tis. 

Miss P. I thought they was goin' to stay considerable spell 
longer. 

Silas. I s'pose he got kinder uneasy-like. Sech folks as the 
deacon an' his wife can't stand honeymoonin' like young folks. 

Miss P. What's the other news, Silas? . , l 

.. Silas. A case of robbery. 

Miss P. Robbery? My land! Who's been robbed? 

Silas. That young Gray that's here claimed he lost a pocket 
book with fifty dollars in it, an' 'twas found in Jim Hooker's 
pocket. 

Miss P. Dear me! If Mr. Hooker should turn out to be a 
crook after bein' heie three weeks wouldn't it be Jest awful. 

Silas. I didn't say he was a crook — mebbe he ain't. As I 
say, I'm workin' on the case. 



24 THE iDEACK)N'S HONEYMOON 

Miss P. Haia't found out who paid the mortgage yet, have ye? 

Silas. Not yet, but I may soon. I've got several clues. 

Miss P. My! You're an awful busy man. You certainly 
ought to have a helpmate. 

Silas. I guess I had. If I could find some one that could 
make pies like the one I've jest et, I'd be tickled to death. 
Gosh! That was lickin' good. 

Miss P. You ain't asked anybody yet, have you? 

Silas. N-no, not yet. I hain't spunked up courage to do it. 

Miss P. Seems to me a town constable ought to have gump- 
tion enough to ask any woman to marry him. How in the 
world did you ever happen to ask Sarah? 

Silas. I didn't. She asked me. You see it was leap year. 

Miss P. Well, there's lots of women would be glad to make 
pies for a man that appreciated 'em. I know I would. 

Silas. Do you mean that, Susan? 

Miss P. Why of course, else I wouldn't say it. 

Silas. Then let's consider it a bargain. 
(Enter Sam.) 

Miss P. Dear me! There's that pesky nigger again. 

Sam {discovering Silas and Miss P.) {aside). Golly, I'se 
caught 'em in de act again. {Covers face with hands and laughs.) 
Ho! ho! he! he! 

Miss P. Sam Johnson, if you don't keep still I'U^ — 

Sam. What'll you do. Mis' Perkins? 

Miss P. I'll spank you. 

Sam. Ho! ho! he! he! {To Silas.) Say, Mr. Silas, Minnie 
wants to see yo' an' when yo' comes she wants yo' to fotch a 
pail ob water. I'se gotter be heah ready when Tom comes. 
(Silas gets water.) 

Miss P. I'll; go along with you, Silas. Mebbe I can help 
her, too. {Exeunt.) 

Sam (singing). 

Si an' Sue went to de well 

To fotch a pail ob watah, 
An' Susan fell in lub wif Si, 

An' Si he tumbled arter. 

Golly, wouldn't it jes' make yo' wanter laff till yo' bust yo' 
insides to see dem two ol' duffers a making' love to each odder. 
I betcha dey's done reached de crucible point. (Looks off stage 
L.) Hello! Dar's ol' Dobbin a comin' up de road now. I'll hab 
to let de folks know. (Gets dinner horn and blows loudly.) 
Reckon dat'U fotch 'em. 



THE DEACON'S HONEYMOON 25 

(Enter Minnie followed by Silas and Miss P.) 

Minnie. Are they coming, Sam? 

Sam. Yes um. Dar dey is up de road. See em? {Points.) 

Miss P. Sure enough, it's them. 

(Enter Bob, Esther and Miss T.) 

Bob. Gree! I thought they'd got here. 

Sam. Dey's comin' fas' as ol' Dobbin's legs can bring 'em. 

Miss T. Let's give them a royal welcome. Can't we sing 
something? 

Bob. Let's sing "Hail the Conquering Hero Comes," or "Hail 
to the Chief." 

EsTHEE. Fiddlesticks ! You want a home song for such an 
occasion, like "Home, Sweet Home." 

Minnie. Or "The Dearest Spot on Earth." 

Bob. Maybe that would be better. 

Esther. Then everybody must sing. 

(All sing one of above mentioned songs. They continue sing- 
ing until Tom is heard shouting, "■Whoa, Dobbin!" and Deacon 
and Mrs. B. enter. Tom follows with baggage. Sam runs to 
take care of horse.) 

All. Welcome, welcome home again. 

Deacon. Wal, here we be, ma. 

Mks. B. An' here are all the home folks, too. 

Miss T. We've appointed ourselves a committee of welcome. 

Mrs. B. That's real good of you. 

Deacon. Say — d'ye know this looks bettern' any place we've 
seen since we've been away. "There's no place like home" an' 
that motto over the settin' room door means more to us today 
than it ever did before. 

Miss P. Didn't you have a good time on your honeymoon? 

Mrs. B. Oh my, yes, we had a splendid time, but after awhile 
it got kinder tiresome. 

Deacon. We ain't used to sech things, mother'n me, an' we 
kept thinkin' about things at home. 

Minnie. Just what I said you would. 

Silas. But there wasn't any need of it. 

Deacon. I couldn't find out anything by Tom, the scallawag. 
He said we'd better wait an' see for ourselves. 

Tom. Perhaps Silas can inform you. 

Silas. I can do that all right. We've got the hayin" an' 
hoein' jest about all done ,an' the strawberries have all been 
picked. 



26 THE DEACON'S HONEYMOON 

Tom. Cleaned up $800 on them. 

Silas. An' the string beans are comin' along fine. I guess 
you'll have to admit that your son has turned out to be an 
efficient superintendent as well as a rattlin' good salesman. 

Deacoi^. I callate you've all done a lot of work. 

Bob. And had a jolly good time doing it, too. 

Sam (entering). Yo' bet we has. 

Miss T. As well as a lot of excitement. 

Minnie. Tom told you about Mr. Hooker, didn't he? 

Deacon. He said something about him. 

Minnie. How he came and just made himself to home without 
even being invited? 

Esther. And how he nearly frightened us into conniption 
fits the first day? 

Sam. I thought I was a suah goner. 

Minnie. Well, after that we got so we rather liked him, and 
then just today Bob missed his pocket book and we found it 
in Mr. Hooker's pocket. 

Mbs. B. Mercy sakes! 

Sam. I can tell yo' 'bout dat pocket book. I foun' it on de 
flo' wif a lot ob money in it, an' I done chucked it into de fust 
pocket I come to. 

Bob., Ah ha! That explains it all. {All laugh.) 

Silas. Why didn't you speak of it before? 

Sam. Po'got all 'bout it. 

Miss P. Well, I'm real glad it's turned out all right. 

Deacon. Where is this Mr. Hooker, as you call him? 

Silas. Down in the south meadow. I agreed to call him 
when you oame. 

Sam. No need ob it. Heah am de gemman comin'. 
(Enter Jim Hookee.) 

Tom. This is Mr. Hooker, dad. Do you recognize him? 

Deacon. By ginger! You've got me. 

Jim. Take another look. (Pause.) Ha! ha! So you've 
forgot all about Steve, eh? 

Deacon. Wal, by cracky! (Shake hands heartily.) Is it 
you, Steve? I thought — 

Jim. You thought I was dead, eh? 

Deacon. I dunno how I could think any different. I never 
heard from ye one way or another since you left. 



THE DEACON'S HONEYMOON 27 

Jim. Well, you'll find me rather a live one yet, with some 
of the old wild ways that I had when I was a young feller 
achasin' round with the gals. 

Deacon. Folks, let me introduce you to my half-brother, 
Stephen Briggs. 

Jim. Alias Jim Hooker. 

All. Your half-brother? 

Silas. Gosh! There is a leetle resemblance. I guess that's 
what made me think I'd seen him before. 

Deacon. But where've you been all these years, Steve? 

Jim. Here, there and everywhere. I'll tell ye all about it 
sometime. My last stoppin' place was Alaska — that's where I 
struck it rich. 

Silas. Say, Deacon — I've got it all figured out who paid that 
mortgage. 

Deacon. So've I, Silas. We've both solved it about the same 
time. (To Jim.) Whatever possessed ye to do it, Steve? 

Jim. I'll have to confess it was one of my freak notions. 
Hope you wasn't offended. 

Deacon. Not at all. We'd never have had our honeymoon 
if you hadn't. 

Mrs. B. I'm sure we're awfully thankful for what you've 
done. 

Tom. You bet we are. 

Mrs. B. But I don't know how we can ever repay you. 

Jim. Don't try it. 

Minnie (looking at Silas' face). Why, Mr. Pettingill, there's 
a streak of red on your face. Is it blood? 

Silas (wipng it off with bandanu). Nothin' but berry pie. 

Miss T. And Miss Perkins has some on her face, too. (She 
tvipes it off sheepishly.) 

Sam. Golly, dat's a dead give away. Dat's whar dey done 
signed de bargain. 

Deacon. Have you an' Miss Perkins been makin' a bargain, 
Si? 

Silas. Guess we'll have to confess, won't we Susan? 

Miss P. Yes, Silas. 

Bob. Esther and I will have to make a confession also. 

Tom. And so will Miss Tackley and myself. 

Deacon. Wal, I swan! This is a day of confessions. 

Mrs. B. My goodness sake! Did I ever! 



28 THE DEACON'S HONEYMOON 

Minnie. What a lot of honeymoons there are going to be. 

Jim. I can't see where I come in on that deal. 

Minnie. Nor I, either. 

Sam. GroUy, I wish I could make a bargain wif a chunk ob 
berry pie dis minute. 

Minnie. Perhaps we'd all better go and have some supper. 
I have it ready. 

Deacon. It's my opinion you've all been makin' hay since 
we've been off. 

All. Yes, thanks to the Deacon's Honeymoon. {All exeunt.) 
Curtain. 



.^=^ 



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ARE FAVORITES EVERYWHERE 



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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 





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» 017 400 442 ♦ 

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